


I Hope My Soul Goes Too

by lucidliving



Series: The Many Lifetimes of Stefan and Colin [1]
Category: Bandersnatch - Fandom, Black Mirror, Black Mirror: Bandersnatch
Genre: Drug Use, Implied Sexual Content, M/M, Multiple Timelines, Post-Canon, its impossible they’re all sad, so i decided since they live like infinite timelines, so this one gets to be a happy fic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-07
Updated: 2019-01-07
Packaged: 2019-10-05 20:56:19
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,181
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17332199
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lucidliving/pseuds/lucidliving
Summary: Stefan knows he has to live out his many lives forever, and he has accepted that sometimes he remembers his past lives. A lot of the times, things aren’t always nice. However, he has Colin by his side, and with that fact, things are suddenly a lot better.OrThe infinite lives and timelines of Stefan and Colin, and how they decide to spend them.





	I Hope My Soul Goes Too

**Author's Note:**

> i spent about 4 days writing another fic, rewatched the movie, realised i didn’t agree with my old interpretation and wrote this in like. a day. it’s 2 am and i've kind of lost the plot. title is a lyric from the song hurt less by our sad lesbian queen julien baker.

Colin often remembers, this was one of the first things Stefan noticed and it clued him into what has become his existence now. 

Colin never hides it like Stefan, because, after all this time, Stefan is beginning to notice that Colin is just insane. Absolutely batshit. He couldn’t care less if he thought that he was stuck in a time loop because he was a conspiracy nut who believes he didn’t control his own actions and that he was always being watched. The worst part was that his views were justified.

Colin just didn’t care about his sanity at all anymore, because he knew! He knew it all anyway, and so upon meeting Stefan each time, occasionally he’d switch things up with references to his past lives and everything they’d done together. It usually confused and maybe scared Mr Thakur, but whenever Stefan did remember, it let him know they’d be going back to where they left off. 

It varied, though, because sometimes Stefan didn’t remember. He knew to an extent that things were all similar, sure, but he didn’t know, and lived out his life in ignorant mediocrity. Or in jail. Stefan had an infinite number of lives and possibilities, which was hard for him to comprehend sometimes. That he’d never die, as a concept. He’d forever just be moving from life to life. 

Colin, however, even in lives in which he didn’t remember his past existences, would always believe it if Stefan told him. It confirmed all his theories, plus, it meant he didn’t have to jump off a building to prove himself to Stefan. That was a plus. Besides, he would believe any conspiracy theory if it made him look a little more justified in his actions. 

It was Interesting to look upon the variety of lives he had lived now he was aware, now he knew. It was interesting to look at the hundreds upon thousands of times he had now met Colin. He enjoyed it every single time. The cautiousness at first, maybe the other won’t remember, and sometimes they didn’t, and maybe this will be a timeline where they hate each other.

Meeting Colin is Stefan’s favourite part of the loop every single time.

They rarely repeated the balcony stunt, since usually both of them remember and don’t need the point proven. Occasionally it happened, when Colin only has a vague memory. It’s always interesting when it does and neither of them can really stop the outcome once they’re out there. I mean, once. But Stefan had tried to repeat that on a re-run and failed.

The balcony incident had scared him the first few times, fucking terrified him more like, but in the end, he knew now that Colin was right. He’d just respawn. Well, he risked a chance of not being able to remember everything and he risked a chance of Colin being gone for the rest of that life, but he would always respawn.

It didn’t take a genius to realise the only constant in his many, many lives was Colin. He would always meet Colin, no matter what. Everything in his lives changed except from the fact that he’d meet Colin, and that they would end up with each other in some sort of way. Whether it be killer and victim or lovers.

The whole murder thing was never fun, really. It happened, and they both accepted it happened, and they were also both less than sane so, really? It was bound to happen. Colin had killed Stefan a few times, which was weird. Stefan had occasionally killed Colin which was always fun. He’d always felt like shit afterwards but, you know, that’s just what the person controlling him wanted him to do.

They’d both gotten better at making their own decisions over time. Colin was better, but that’s because Colin was fucking insane and had been at it for seemingly longer than Stefan. Stefan could fight the urges quite well, though. Sometimes he lost control and that was always odd. Colin knew when he needed to get out and when Stefan would get genuinely dangerous.

Colin slipped up much less than Stefan did. Stefan remembers the first time he had been killed by Colin. It wasn’t exactly a fight, but it almost was. It was a particularly bad reality in which Tuckersoft burned to the ground taking majority of Colin’s work with it, Stefan had killed his dad and they had fled the country.

Colin had gotten mad and lost the plot a bit, and he’d grabbed the nearest object and hit Stefan over the head. Stefan couldn’t remember what he said, and he didn’t really want to bring it up with Colin. Not in fear of anything, more just in acknowledgement that it wasn’t a comfortable memory. He didn’t bring up when he killed Colin either. 

The second time Colin had killed him, it was to prove he could. “I know they don’t want this, Stef. It doesn’t matter anyway. I just want them to see I’m not a pawn.” He had muttered, almost too quiet for Stefan to hear. He figured it was his turn anyway, to be killed. He accepted the bat to the head. He was just a little curious how Colin got the cricket bat. 

He remembered the first lifetime that they fell in love. It was a timeline with no Kitty, therefore no Pearl, and it helped Stefan feel a lot less like he was an intruder on this poor family’s life. It was a few timelines in and there was no balcony incident this time. Stefan had just gotten high and a bit desperate and things led on from there. 

He’d ended up in Colin’s bed and all he could think of was the fact that this was The Colin Ritman! It was so new to him at the time and it was so strange but st the same time, it was so good and so new and Colin! He didn’t say much during it, really. Just a couple curses and Colin’s name. A lot of Colin’s name. That didn’t stop Colin from teasing him, though, for how loud he was. 

He was almost scared that it the morning he would wake up and it would all reset. He’d somehow die in his sleep and that would be his lifetime with Colin Ritman over. Or that Colin didn’t want to spend a lifetime with him, that was even scarier to Stefan. That he had an opportunity to have thousands of nights similar to the previous, but Colin just didn’t want that. 

He did though. And he woke up and the first thing Colin said to him was, “Well. How’s that for getting you out of the hole? If that didn’t work we can try it again.” Stefan couldn’t help himself when he started to grin. 

Colin teased Stefan for the crush. The painfully obvious crush he had on Colin which, in retrospect, was a bit much. The Colin Ritman, the god who made the most incredible games and who Stefan wanted to be close to and around as if he could absorb the talent. Now it was just Colin. He didn’t really idolise him anymore, when he knew at least. 

He had a few favourite memories over the course of his lifetimes. For example, when he gets five whole stars on Bandersnatch. No matter how many times he can make it happen, it’s always incredible. This feeling that everything he’s done has contributed to something. Something greater than he was, than he’d ever be. Something to live in that timeline forever, far past when he was gone. 

A very specific memory of Colin coming over to his house to help with the game. He didn’t remember giving Colin his address. They’d stayed up until three working when Stefan eventually passed out, barely making it to his bed before ultimately just collapsing. They’d finished the game. It had worked. And the next morning he awoke to that knowledge, greeted by Colin snoring loudly against his pillow, an arm draped over Stefan.

It was one of the first times in his many lives that things had felt correct, and that he’d beaten the system. It was one of his first happy endings he’d ever gotten. 

Life was a game to him now, there were respawns and multiple endings he could explore, and he just needed to get them all. And it just so happened that Colin was a part of this game, in fact he was one of the lead characters. He would always be there, whether he stuck around or not. 

Something had decided for him that Colin was the constant. Stefan would thank them if he was able, because he couldn’t imagine going through this with anyone else. In particularly good timelines, he would whisper, “Thank you,” at certain points. He hoped whatever omnipotent being there was out there understood. He hoped they’d never get bored of the two of them and decide to separate them. 

It was strange to look back at times when he didn’t know. Those lifetimes where he was utterly clueless as to everything that was going on and was just as scared as the first time. Especially when Colin knew. When Colin knew, sometimes he’d pull the stunt on the balcony, but sometimes he’d just live out both of their lives and watch Stefan carefully get to know him again. 

He could always remember afterwards. Although, some memories were foggy after a couple lives, sometimes they all blurred together. Like, was the life in which he got incredibly rich the same timeline that Colin decided that he and Stefan should be like all the other couples and go be loved up in Paris, spent the full day walking, and instead of the night of utter passion they had planned, Stefan was out like a light the moment they got back to the hotel. 

Stefan always preferred the simpler memories with Colin. Once Colin had attempted to cook for him, failed miserably, and threw the evidence out the window. Stefan had watched as he did so, and he appreciated the effort, so he didn’t bring it up until later, when Colin had ordered them take out. 

He preferred those memories to the harder ones. They were equal, the good ones and the bad ones. It was easier, though, just to think about the calm, peaceful timed he’d lived through rather than literal murder. He doubted anyone would really blame him for all of that, he assumed everyone would do the same. 

So he’d rather recount all the happy memories rather than the amount of times they’d killed each other. He’d rather remember when they were in love. 

The first time Colin told Stefan he loved him was after about seven years of their first life as a couple. Which seems like a lot of time, and Stefan knew it was, but he’d also just known that Colin felt that way even if he didn’t say it. Really, he’d heard Colin say the word like three times in regards to anything through the lifetimes he’d lived so far. Stefan just understood Colin didn’t really say it to anyone or anything. 

When he said it, it was offhand in an unrelated conversation and he doubted Colin even realised, as he continued talking afterwards. “You know I love you,” he had said in the middle of a tangent, “And to be honest-“ Stefan had cut him off before he could finish. 

“You what?” He had asked, an almost dumbfounded look on his face as he stared at Colin, who took a few moments to realise what he had said. When he did, he took a moment. His eyebrows raised, he looked away, looked back, and shrugged, “Well. I guess I do, then. Anyway, in my opinion…” And things continued in that life. 

In a recent life, they’d discussed their existence. “Do you ever wonder why we’re always together?” Colin had asked Stefan. He was playing with Stefan’s hair as Stefan was reading in bed. Colin was smoking and Stefan used to hate the smell, but now he loved it. It reeked of Colin, and that was a scent he never wanted to escape. 

Stefan was feeling satisfied, due to the fact Colin had just absolutely fucked his brains out, he’d had a good day working, overall, and this was just a really good timeline. He assumed Colin would agree, but didn't ask. He thought about Colin’s question for a moment. 

He hummed, looking over, “Yeah. Like, why us specifically? Of course. I don’t mind it though.” He leant further into Colin, getting comfortable. 

“I’m glad we’ve got forever, really. I just don’t know why.” He draped his arm around Stefan, removing his hand from his hair. “I’m lucky, I suppose. It would be so lonely without you.”

“I’m just happy I’m here with you.” He leaned up, kissing the very edge of Colin’s mouth, and Colin smiled. He leaned down, and kissed Stefan properly.

“Here’s to infinity, then.”

“Infinity. That sounds nice.”

**Author's Note:**

> btw i might continue this as like a series of random moments in random lives. because the concept of immortality and mortality scares me, but that idea where I have like. my conspiracy theorist gamer soulmate always there isn’t the Dream. i hope u enjoy since it’s my first work on here.


End file.
